Ephemera: Life Changing Letters

In my closet, there hung a cream sheet of paper with a post written on it in pencil. I wrote it last year, about this time, and the words I wrote are telling.

I'd try to imagine how I'd be feeling right now. Elation and joy, of course. The thrill of the unknown. Nerves at leaving my childhood home. But when I imagined them, they never felt quite like this. I'm on top of the world.

Truth is, I'm still in shock. I think the top of the world feeling will come tomorrow, will come later, will come when I've processed everything that just happened.

But things are never going to be the same.

On Losing Family

It's funny who becomes our family. Half the time, they're not blood at all, but something better. Friends. They say blood is thicker than water, but friendship is thicker than both, and I heartily agree. Not having siblings of my own, I've adopted family from all over. People come into our lives, and if we embrac them, they can surely change ours lives.

There's a song from Wicked that I love.

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...

 You never really think about what someone means to you until they're gone, right? You might see them everyday and say I love you, but that's it. You don't tell them thank you, thank you for all of the things that they've given you or the way they've changed your life.

For me, the saying goodbye is the hardest part. Death, while but the next great adventure, is tough. Even though it isn't the end, while the spiral just continues on, at the time, it feels so final. I always come back to the same Big and Rich song at times like this.

It's complicated, when love has faded
And you can't hold on anymore
You gotta let go even though you know
Your heart's gonna hate it
And it just might break it

The only solution, is making the conclusion
That it's just another lesson in life
Even though it's over,
it's never really over at goodbye
No matter how hard you try

[Chorus:]
You never stop loving somebody
No matter what you tell yourself
You never stop loving somebody
You just, start loving somebody else

 I've cried my tears, and now, it's time to celebrate a life. The life that gave me two of dearest friends, the ones who have been there when all my human friends have gone away. I'll see you on the other side, mama horse.

I have him because of her.

I guess there is just one last thing to say...

Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good 

There will be watching of Casablanca

It's Valentines day again, and (at least when I wrote this,) I'm coming to you from a beat up red notebook with the word "love" written somewhat ironically in the back cover with a purple sharpie. Weapon of choice is a twistables pencil in a rather lovely shade of red-pink-maroon.

I'm not the type of person who holds a party just for me, a sad reminder of singledom on this day. No, I'm the one that sits home, curled up with my dog and a good movie.

This year, the movie of choice is Casablanca. I've loved the movie since I first saw it on public television one lonely night. Bogart struck me immediately--here was a man. Dark, enigmatic, and handsome, his is a character I have yet to be able to write.

And then, there is Ilsa. Loved by 2 men and in love with them both, she... On second thought, I'll save my script analysis for March and the run up to Script Frenzy.

There is one thing I love about Valentines Day. That's the cards. I'm not really talking the goofy Hallmark ones. The simple ones, written on all purpose white stationary and decorated this year with crayon, it's the message inside that stands out. It's that message I love. It's what Valentines Day is all about. Forget the cookies and candy and presents. Let's use this day to write to the ones we love and let them know exactly how we feel.

Curtain.

Love Letters

I love Valentine's Day and to all you haters out there...get over it.  And before you make any accusations, let me say that I have never once had a significant other on V-Day to celebrate with.  Maybe that's sad...but it's never bothered me.  There are far too many other love slots and the people that fill them to worry about one sometimes empty space.  Besides, boy love letters are besides my point and a post for another day. 
This morning when I got up there were emails waiting for me.  Short ones mostly.  From Mom, Dad, siblings, grandparents, cousins, and friends.  I have stacks of letters these people have written to me over the years.  When I feel low, I pull them out and read until I cry.  One favorite was decorated with sprinkles, yes sprinkles, and they're steadily falling off.  Another is written in halting first grade letters.  Some misspell my name but are still entirely sincere.  Others are falling apart and have tape scars from being hung where I can see them every day.  Still others come in the form of memories or objects and enveloping feelings.  There are looney tunes and mickey mouse and barbie Valentines and few homemade ones.  There are the secret Valentines from Junior High.  Birthday cards and thank you cards and congratulations and letters just because I love you.  All occasions.  All times.  All of these wondeful people.
So today, look through your love letters, in whatever form they may take.  Look through them and get over your romance driven angst and leave me to my Valentine's loving in peace.  Until there is not a single person who loves me, I will not agree that it's a worthless holiday.  And I highly doubt that that will ever happen.